Post by theresa29 on Nov 5, 2019 19:12:48 GMT
Almost one year and 3 months ago, I fell in love with a girl. She is an artist, tall, and smart, which I found very sexy. I met her on one scene and it was love at first text. My hearts beats from writing this here. It was tough because I come from a severely homophobic country, which just tabled a kill bill for all gay people. So as you can imagine, a lot of caution had to be taken in dating her. It was almost comic, doing everything in hiding. It took me a while to convince her to go out with me. I just could not figure out why she could never seem to like me. For me, she was my first experience. I really loved her. Just as she was starting to fall in love with me, I got a place to do my masters in the UK. Of course it was had leaving her behind, but we decided that I would go for a year and then we get back together. Of course things did not go according to plan. As soon as I landed in the UK, she started to panic and asked to break up and then took it back. I got depressed being away from her. Finally after so long, she told me that she was in love with me, such beautiful words, I had craved for so long. After that, my feeling and missing her moved from 90% to 200%. It became unbearable being away from her. It follows that the fights started, I started to panic about my sexuality. This was because i was so lonely and sad and had no one to talk to. When she would say that she wanted space, I could barely leave my bed because it is like life stopped. With all this love, I would text her and she would respond after 4 days, 3 days, or a week. The same thing went for phone calls, she could never pick my phone calls or at least say I will call you back. This was mostly for the entirety of the relationship. I did most of the calling or texting. she never initiated a text except to ask why I had texted her. Being away from her with no phone call or texts from her makes me wonder whether I was in love by myself.
Two months ago, I realised she was back on the dating site with a message that said " she wanted to meet someone and take things to the next level." It literally said that. When I asked her about it, she lost it, saying that I was so insecure. I started to wonder whether all this time I was spending my entire salary on her, she was screwing other people. So I let her be. After 2 weeks, she texted me wondering why I was quiet and telling me that she would leave if I did not tell her that I was okay with her being on a dating site. I spent the entirety of the relationship apologising for things because I was so scared of her leaving me. I ignored her texts and she called me to ask if I want to leave her (like dramatic stuff). It is like she panicked and apologised but said she would keep, giving several reasons. At that time I was so focused on her not wanting me that I thought I could let her go. But every time, I try to gather the courage to leave, I get scared because what if she is all I get. It is not easy being a gay doctor in the most homophobic country on the planet. So I decided that we take a break because I felt like this girl could not love me or was just full of herself. Also, she gave me mixed signals. One day she is into me, the other day she is a stranger. It really battered my confidence as I was wondering what about me was so unlovable. Even when doing my masters in the UK, I was planning on how we would go about our relationship moving forward. I love this girl enough to want to marry her, but everything has to be in secret. In fact, if I had been born in a more accepting world, I would put a ring on it like yesterday. The challenge is this girl gives me a headache, making me chase her around. You know? Even when she is in the wrong, I find that I am the one apologising. It is like she is incapable of opening her heart to me. All that said, I still love her. So obviously after the breakup, I am the one trying to fix stuff and she says that she was so hurt and needs to take baby steps. This is almost funny seeing as she was the one in the wrong.
I do not know what to do because recently my country tabled a bill that kills gay people. So I am wondering what my options are and whether it is worth it for someone whose pride is a big as the milkway galaxy. If I do not go home and do a PhD, she will leave me for good. How do I stay with her without someone alerting the authorities, and losing everyone I know? How do I stay with her without stripping any lower than I already have?
And should I stay with someone who keeps me as an option and yet I would give the the world for her.
I do not want to die alone, but I am worried that I might, because If not her, then who. There isn't an actual gay community in my world. It is a secret that would get me executed and excommunicated. I am so scared, I am so lonely, and I have no one to talk to. I also tend to get panic attacks and nightmares about being disowned. I hope someone here can help me with advice or tell me where to meet like-minded friends. I urgently need someone to talk to that understands.
Two months ago, I realised she was back on the dating site with a message that said " she wanted to meet someone and take things to the next level." It literally said that. When I asked her about it, she lost it, saying that I was so insecure. I started to wonder whether all this time I was spending my entire salary on her, she was screwing other people. So I let her be. After 2 weeks, she texted me wondering why I was quiet and telling me that she would leave if I did not tell her that I was okay with her being on a dating site. I spent the entirety of the relationship apologising for things because I was so scared of her leaving me. I ignored her texts and she called me to ask if I want to leave her (like dramatic stuff). It is like she panicked and apologised but said she would keep, giving several reasons. At that time I was so focused on her not wanting me that I thought I could let her go. But every time, I try to gather the courage to leave, I get scared because what if she is all I get. It is not easy being a gay doctor in the most homophobic country on the planet. So I decided that we take a break because I felt like this girl could not love me or was just full of herself. Also, she gave me mixed signals. One day she is into me, the other day she is a stranger. It really battered my confidence as I was wondering what about me was so unlovable. Even when doing my masters in the UK, I was planning on how we would go about our relationship moving forward. I love this girl enough to want to marry her, but everything has to be in secret. In fact, if I had been born in a more accepting world, I would put a ring on it like yesterday. The challenge is this girl gives me a headache, making me chase her around. You know? Even when she is in the wrong, I find that I am the one apologising. It is like she is incapable of opening her heart to me. All that said, I still love her. So obviously after the breakup, I am the one trying to fix stuff and she says that she was so hurt and needs to take baby steps. This is almost funny seeing as she was the one in the wrong.
I do not know what to do because recently my country tabled a bill that kills gay people. So I am wondering what my options are and whether it is worth it for someone whose pride is a big as the milkway galaxy. If I do not go home and do a PhD, she will leave me for good. How do I stay with her without someone alerting the authorities, and losing everyone I know? How do I stay with her without stripping any lower than I already have?
And should I stay with someone who keeps me as an option and yet I would give the the world for her.I do not want to die alone, but I am worried that I might, because If not her, then who. There isn't an actual gay community in my world. It is a secret that would get me executed and excommunicated. I am so scared, I am so lonely, and I have no one to talk to. I also tend to get panic attacks and nightmares about being disowned. I hope someone here can help me with advice or tell me where to meet like-minded friends. I urgently need someone to talk to that understands.