Post by jaycanfly on Apr 30, 2012 23:01:31 GMT
I don't want to be alone, I don't want to deal with the teasing, the disowning and the hateful glances. I don't want a lot of things that come with saying "Hey I'm gay. Yea, bro, a lesbian as in I'm a chick that likes other chicks." I don't enjoy waking up everyday knowing that half my family hates me for something I can't change. I hate hearing the words that people have said haunt me:
"Maybe if you were straight you wouldn't have so many issues."
"I don't want you to marry a girl because that would be gay. Not the good gay. The bad gay. You should marry a guy instead."
"Here comes the dyke. Let's get out of the bathroom before she rapes us."
"You couldn't possibly like girls, you just need some therapy."
"No, you're not gay. I've seen you with guys, they really like you. You're just insecure."
"Get out of my house, you're a disgrace."
I don't like the weird looks I get from my style of dress of the comments on them. I don't like having to with people like my grandmother. They just have complete and utter denial, always looking for another excuse to tell me that I'm not gay, I'm completely straight.
Sophomore year is wehn I came out and stated proudly that I am in fact a lesbain, I felt an enormous weight lift off my shoulders. I felt like a missing piece of the puzzle that is who I am fall into place, fitting perfectly in the space. I felt completely free of every burden. I wanted to stand up and scream that I was gay, that I was proud and nothing could ever change that. As the year went on I was only getting happier, prouder, and amazed by how everything seemed brighter, easier, everything seemed so perfect, so free and open. I can't try to explain how I felt; it's something one has to experience on their own, it is seriously finding yourself. I sort of own my opening up and realization to my first girlfriend . Yes, she may have cheated on me back stage during a musical with a guy. She showed me the upests and downfalls of a relationship with a girl. I had had a few relationship with guys before her, they never lasted and felt empty. I'd start off happy that I had a boyfriend just like all my lady bros. And all the girls I had a crush on would start talking to me a lot more. They'd give me attention. From there things would start going down hill because the boyfriend would want to start doing things like holding hands, kissing, and hell I'm pretty sure some would try to roll out the sex card. All of those things, no matter who I was with, felt empty. Don't get the wrong idea: I have not had sex with a guy. Then she came along and she filled that emptiness, she made the grey clouds go away, and she made a smile appear on my face. She was my savior. I really appreciate her for being my first girlfriend and showing me the ropes. She allowed me to understand myself better and for that I owe her a thousand thanks. What she taught me will never leave my memories or my heart.
Junior year came and in walked the second most breath taking girl I had ever seen, Sarah. She was quiet, soft spoken and lovely. I wanted to be a part of her life as soon as she stepped through those band room doors. I spent months tryomg tp be a part of her life, trying to be the one she could come too. I wanted to be her rock. I'm happy to say I got her and I'm sad to say I aslo let her go. I fucked up and got fucked over, it was mostly my fault and I take all the blame for it. I'll spare all the sappy crap because that is not the point of this writting. I spent junior to senior year trying to piece myself back together. I was shattered completely when I lost Sarah, I didn't realize it until now that she was my rock. My confidence in my sexuality stemmed from her because I felt safe and invincible. I felt as though I could take on anything and without her I felt defenseless. I felt open to all the insults that were being flung at me left and right. My only escape was in Auburn with the 8 year old I babysat. She helped me see that it doesn't matter what others thing, I am who I am and I should be proud of that fact and besides I was her prince which means I should smile. She is a bright little girl and I wouldn't have survived the summer if not for her. She kept me on the ground instead of reeling in the depressing of losing someone so close to me. Like I said, It was mostly (if not all) my fault as to what happened. So I must make my thanks to Sarah Saunders for showing me that I'm not as strong as I would like to pretend to be and that what goes around comes around. I must thank the 8 year old as well forshowing me that I should be proud of myself, every aspect of myself.
Senior year. I was terrified to start this year because my idol was no longer there. Because I felt truely alone for the first time and my confidence in myself was failing me but the person I usually turned to for advice and to tlk to had graduated and hates my guts for screwing her over. That person being the girl I've looked up to for seven years of my life. I felt so alone, and I know I'm repeating myself but I felt like my world was slowly crashing to pieces. I didn't know who I was or anything about myself. I was terrified to even attempt a relationship with any girl for fear that she would break me. So I hid behind my best friend. I hid from myself and by doing that I destroyed a lot of bridges. I decided, somewhere in my mind, that hiding behind guys was the best move that I could make. People at school had started to bully me for being gay, my family disowned me, my grandmother didn't accept me, I lost someone significaint to me and I couldn't handle it. I was scared and I felt alone, like everyone was standing on the oppisite side of an abyss with no way for me to get to them. I reverted back to the old ways because it felt safe, even if it was empty. I didn't take in the effects it would have on others or that it would get to this point where I'm lying to myself more than anyone else. I never meant to hurt anyone or lie to anyone for that matter and saying that I was scared does not make a justified reason to put others through this. For that I truely am sorry. I was hiding at the expense of others and honestly, that is something that I truely regret and I can promise that it is something I will never do again. See, I thought that maybe if I had sex with a guy then I'd like guys and I'd be straight. Then my aunt and uncle would talk to me like they use to and my little cousins would not say hurtful things. Not to mention it would get rid of all those bullies and the denial from others. I wouldn't have to deal with the comments and I deffinately wouldn't feel alone. In that moemnt it felt like I'd done it, I'd found a way to cross that abyss amd reach the other people. I was beyond happy, it felt like life was looking up and that this was my "cure". It would surely work! Let me repeat something I said earlier: I have not had sex with a guy. It's been close but my usual response was to cry or avoid it completely because it felt empty and I was watching myself slip into a depression. I was finding it hard to focus, I stopped eating again and I started doing things that I promised people I wouldn't do agian. I began to lead a double life, lying to everyone including myself just because I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to deal with all the pain from being gay. And yet I was only causing myself and others more pain than if I had just owned up to what I was. I was lying, something I absolutely hate to do but I was believing my own lies for dumb reasons and insecurities. I'm sorry for lying to everyone and for leading a double life. I was hurting people and myself which is never right. I had truely felt like I had noone to talk to that would understand me nor could If ind the words to tell anyone what I was going through. It has always been a problem of mine to not be able to say how I feel,
The point if all this is simple:
I'm a lesbian. I find girls attractive not guys. I'm sorry for the lying and the pain that I have caused this year. I'm coming out of the closet I was hiding in once more.
I am a lesbian.
"Maybe if you were straight you wouldn't have so many issues."
"I don't want you to marry a girl because that would be gay. Not the good gay. The bad gay. You should marry a guy instead."
"Here comes the dyke. Let's get out of the bathroom before she rapes us."
"You couldn't possibly like girls, you just need some therapy."
"No, you're not gay. I've seen you with guys, they really like you. You're just insecure."
"Get out of my house, you're a disgrace."
I don't like the weird looks I get from my style of dress of the comments on them. I don't like having to with people like my grandmother. They just have complete and utter denial, always looking for another excuse to tell me that I'm not gay, I'm completely straight.
Sophomore year is wehn I came out and stated proudly that I am in fact a lesbain, I felt an enormous weight lift off my shoulders. I felt like a missing piece of the puzzle that is who I am fall into place, fitting perfectly in the space. I felt completely free of every burden. I wanted to stand up and scream that I was gay, that I was proud and nothing could ever change that. As the year went on I was only getting happier, prouder, and amazed by how everything seemed brighter, easier, everything seemed so perfect, so free and open. I can't try to explain how I felt; it's something one has to experience on their own, it is seriously finding yourself. I sort of own my opening up and realization to my first girlfriend . Yes, she may have cheated on me back stage during a musical with a guy. She showed me the upests and downfalls of a relationship with a girl. I had had a few relationship with guys before her, they never lasted and felt empty. I'd start off happy that I had a boyfriend just like all my lady bros. And all the girls I had a crush on would start talking to me a lot more. They'd give me attention. From there things would start going down hill because the boyfriend would want to start doing things like holding hands, kissing, and hell I'm pretty sure some would try to roll out the sex card. All of those things, no matter who I was with, felt empty. Don't get the wrong idea: I have not had sex with a guy. Then she came along and she filled that emptiness, she made the grey clouds go away, and she made a smile appear on my face. She was my savior. I really appreciate her for being my first girlfriend and showing me the ropes. She allowed me to understand myself better and for that I owe her a thousand thanks. What she taught me will never leave my memories or my heart.
Junior year came and in walked the second most breath taking girl I had ever seen, Sarah. She was quiet, soft spoken and lovely. I wanted to be a part of her life as soon as she stepped through those band room doors. I spent months tryomg tp be a part of her life, trying to be the one she could come too. I wanted to be her rock. I'm happy to say I got her and I'm sad to say I aslo let her go. I fucked up and got fucked over, it was mostly my fault and I take all the blame for it. I'll spare all the sappy crap because that is not the point of this writting. I spent junior to senior year trying to piece myself back together. I was shattered completely when I lost Sarah, I didn't realize it until now that she was my rock. My confidence in my sexuality stemmed from her because I felt safe and invincible. I felt as though I could take on anything and without her I felt defenseless. I felt open to all the insults that were being flung at me left and right. My only escape was in Auburn with the 8 year old I babysat. She helped me see that it doesn't matter what others thing, I am who I am and I should be proud of that fact and besides I was her prince which means I should smile. She is a bright little girl and I wouldn't have survived the summer if not for her. She kept me on the ground instead of reeling in the depressing of losing someone so close to me. Like I said, It was mostly (if not all) my fault as to what happened. So I must make my thanks to Sarah Saunders for showing me that I'm not as strong as I would like to pretend to be and that what goes around comes around. I must thank the 8 year old as well forshowing me that I should be proud of myself, every aspect of myself.
Senior year. I was terrified to start this year because my idol was no longer there. Because I felt truely alone for the first time and my confidence in myself was failing me but the person I usually turned to for advice and to tlk to had graduated and hates my guts for screwing her over. That person being the girl I've looked up to for seven years of my life. I felt so alone, and I know I'm repeating myself but I felt like my world was slowly crashing to pieces. I didn't know who I was or anything about myself. I was terrified to even attempt a relationship with any girl for fear that she would break me. So I hid behind my best friend. I hid from myself and by doing that I destroyed a lot of bridges. I decided, somewhere in my mind, that hiding behind guys was the best move that I could make. People at school had started to bully me for being gay, my family disowned me, my grandmother didn't accept me, I lost someone significaint to me and I couldn't handle it. I was scared and I felt alone, like everyone was standing on the oppisite side of an abyss with no way for me to get to them. I reverted back to the old ways because it felt safe, even if it was empty. I didn't take in the effects it would have on others or that it would get to this point where I'm lying to myself more than anyone else. I never meant to hurt anyone or lie to anyone for that matter and saying that I was scared does not make a justified reason to put others through this. For that I truely am sorry. I was hiding at the expense of others and honestly, that is something that I truely regret and I can promise that it is something I will never do again. See, I thought that maybe if I had sex with a guy then I'd like guys and I'd be straight. Then my aunt and uncle would talk to me like they use to and my little cousins would not say hurtful things. Not to mention it would get rid of all those bullies and the denial from others. I wouldn't have to deal with the comments and I deffinately wouldn't feel alone. In that moemnt it felt like I'd done it, I'd found a way to cross that abyss amd reach the other people. I was beyond happy, it felt like life was looking up and that this was my "cure". It would surely work! Let me repeat something I said earlier: I have not had sex with a guy. It's been close but my usual response was to cry or avoid it completely because it felt empty and I was watching myself slip into a depression. I was finding it hard to focus, I stopped eating again and I started doing things that I promised people I wouldn't do agian. I began to lead a double life, lying to everyone including myself just because I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to deal with all the pain from being gay. And yet I was only causing myself and others more pain than if I had just owned up to what I was. I was lying, something I absolutely hate to do but I was believing my own lies for dumb reasons and insecurities. I'm sorry for lying to everyone and for leading a double life. I was hurting people and myself which is never right. I had truely felt like I had noone to talk to that would understand me nor could If ind the words to tell anyone what I was going through. It has always been a problem of mine to not be able to say how I feel,
The point if all this is simple:
I'm a lesbian. I find girls attractive not guys. I'm sorry for the lying and the pain that I have caused this year. I'm coming out of the closet I was hiding in once more.
I am a lesbian.