The 5 W's of Coming out

[Diesel]

Did you come out already to people? If so, who did you come out to, when and how did you do it? How did they react?


I just came out about 3 years ago. I first came out to my mom, then everybody just about at once. Most of my friends already had a feeling that i wasn't straight, so things went on as normal. But, My family took it hard. They aren't exactly gay-friendly. And still, my dad and brother makes jokes and says things i don't like.

[xenalin]

I've not come out to anyone around me in real life. I'm not sure how well accepted it would be. I hear jokes and comments quite often at work and at home. I don't like it so I keep it to myself.

Online, most of my friends know I'm bi.

[blake]

All of my friends know I'm trans. The gym teachers are school know too, but that was only so I could convince them to let me change in the nurse's office instead of the locker room.
My parents don't know. My mother knows that I'm bi. She doesn't really care. My dad thinks I'm gay, but Ive never actually told him anything.

[Diesel]

Jul 16, 2009 21:37:20 GMT xenalin said:

I've not come out to anyone around me in real life. I'm not sure how well accepted it would be. I hear jokes and comments quite often at work and at home. I don't like it so I keep it to myself.

Online, most of my friends know I'm bi.

Aw, I'm sorry. Thats the way I was with my family. They aren't really accepting. They act like they don't even know, but i know they do. We get into convos about it.

I wished it was more accepting. I don't understand whats so bad about it.

Jul 17, 2009 0:12:00 GMT blake said:

All of my friends know I'm trans. The gym teachers are school know too, but that was only so I could convince them to let me change in the nurse's office instead of the locker room.
My parents don't know. My mother knows that I'm bi. She doesn't really care. My dad thinks I'm gay, but Ive never actually told him anything.

That sucks. I know a lot what a trans goes through. My friend (practicly my brother) is trans (female to male). I know he goes through hell.

[Eraser (Polite)]

My friends and brother know I'm trans (ftm) and gay; I never really "came out," it's just that I never hid it from them. It was even in the school newspaper. :P I did, however, just come out as trans to my mother, and she was actually really okay with it; she said she just wants me to be happy.
I have yet to tell my father. It's not that I don't think he won't accept me, but more that I know it's going be hard on him. He lost his first two daughters, then they had me because he really wanted a little girl. =/

[cadethedo]

Aug 7, 2009 18:02:07 GMT Eraser (Polite) said:

I have yet to tell my father. It's not that I don't think he won't accept me, but more that I know it's going be hard on him. He lost his first two daughters, then they had me because he really wanted a little girl. =/

While he may be disappointed over not having a daughter, if he accepts your gender identity, you already have a huge benefit that other trans don't usually have. I wish you the best of luck whenever you decide to come out to him, though. :]



I myself never really came out as having an androgynous identity, with the exception of my friend of 7 years, because I showed up at her apartment with boy's clothes, chest bound and hair cut fairly short. I had never done this before in the time that I had known her, as I never really paid attention to gender differences and didn't know "androgynous" was even a viable option until meeting Ludo, and ended up sticking with "female" (though I have been cross-dressing since I was about 13, it was not exclusively menswear). So, understandingly she asked for an explanation, which I gladly gave ("You know how sometimes you get the 'boy trapped in a girl's body' and vice versa? ... It's kinda like that, except I'm a little more in the middle. I don't want people to call me 'she,' so I put on boy's clothes and bind, 'cause I'm okay with being called 'he'.") and I taught her the pronoun I preferred, and that was it. No confusion, just plain acceptance and understanding, which was absolutely wonderful.
Her mother, on the other hand, put us both in a position where I was practically outed, by commenting on my hair and saying "You look like a boy!"
"That was...kind of my intent."
"You're a GIRL! You shouldn't want to look like a BOY! ...Unless you're GAY!"
Frustrated and not seeing any other way out, I said, "Michelle, there is a considerable difference between 'queer' and 'genderqueer.'"
Michelle then asserted the next week that I was "of the female sex AND the female gender" followed by a "Whatever you do, DON'T do what Cher's daughter is doing." After which I tried to explain that Chaz is Cher's SON, and HE deserves to be recognized as such.
Needless to say I'm not very fond of my friend's mother. :/

With my parents, I never came out directly. The closest I came to coming out to my mother was saying to my therapist, in front of her, that I would like to find a therapist in the practice who was more experienced with gender identity issues. (As my therapist then found herself at a bit of a loss with me on that, and it had become my biggest source of frustration by that time.) My mom is repeatedly encouraging me to NOT come out, actually, when it comes to volunteer work or eventual employment (I'm currently volunteering in a daycare.) And she tries to keep me from binding. While I understand the rationale that people will be uneasy at the thought of having a transgender babysitter, I think I have a right to at least try to pass for SOMETHING when I go out in public. And really, the children can only benefit from discovering that sometimes it's not always about a male and a female (as a gender directly tied to one's sex--or, foolishly, equated with one's sex--or as a 'proper' pairing), instead of growing up to find that out on their own and not have the least bit of understanding about it, or realizing that they differ from what they were repeatedly told was normal and then feeling ashamed and trying to hide it.
So today, against my mother's advice, I fully intend upon telling, at the least, the other babysitters about my gender identity...and the kids, if they enquire, or present or address me with something gender-specific.
Here's to hoping that goes over well. >_<

[Eraser (Polite)]

Aug 7, 2009 19:25:31 GMT cadethedo said:

So today, against my mother's advice, I fully intend upon telling, at the least, the other babysitters about my gender identity...and the kids, if they enquire, or present or address me with something gender-specific.
Here's to hoping that goes over well. >_<

I really hope that works out for you. At least with kids (depending on the age; the younger the better), they tend to be more curious than judgmental. Certainly, if they ask, it might not be bad to educate them a little; then you just have to worry about what kinds of things they'll tell their parents, and what they'll think. And, of course, I hope the other babysitters will be understanding as well; let us know how it goes.

Also, thanks for the well wishes. My dad might need some time to adjust to the idea, but I know in the end he'll be okay. I'm lucky in that I come from a pretty open-minded and loving family; at least I know I never have to worry about being kicked out or ostracized for being different (besides, we're all pretty weird around here. ).

[cadethedo]

I think my plan got shifted to Monday, actually >_>
The daycare was closed today and I certainly won't be awake while it's open tomorrow...
And it's closed on Sunday.
Haha.

*shrug*

Gives me a little more time to get a few more things worked out before I do that though!

[wakingdream]

Hey all. I very recently accepted that I was bisexual.
Also, I just came out as being bisexual the other day to a bunch of my friends.
They were all really cool about it. And my closest friend flipped out, like in a good way.
I can't see coming out to my parents. My father would be completely disgusted with me.

I was wondering, what did it feel like for all of you when you accepted being non-heterosexual?
For me its a mix of a lot of emotions. I feel great about it, in my head. But I have this wierd instinctual shame. I don't like that.
Is this a normal feeling to have in the beginning?

p.s. Eraser (polite) : love your name, great song

[crystal]

I told my mom I was Trans over a month ago (time flies)

I have yet to drop the Bisexual Bombshell (only barely so though, I prefer other girls mostly)

She "seems" ok, but I think she is still in denial of sorts...

I've thought about telling some "friends" of mine (haven't talked to them in a long time, but worry, cause two of em are VERY religious, and we all know how bad they tend to be)

Regarding my father, its good and bad. Good that I don't have to tell him, cause he woulda likely hated me for it. Bad, cause he's dead and I'll never know for sure...

[Nymphaea]

I'm only 'out' to a few close friends. I only recently accepted that I am bisexual (or, 'realized' is more like it- I had been calling myself bicurious for a while). My two closest friends already knew, or at least suspected. (One, it turns out, had been wanting to take bets on how long it took me to admit to myself that I'm attracted to other women. LOL)

My parents don't know, but I honestly, don't think they'd care. I just haven't seen any reason to tell them.

[silentvox]

<3 All of your stories have been really touching.

I don't like to label myself, but describing me as bisexual is easiest. I came out to my friends when I was in ninth grade. I had fallen pretty hard for this girl that was in a bunch of my classes, and I had to talk to someone about it. They were all really accepting. (When I started dating a guy again they thought it was weird... I've been dating him for over a year and a half now and they still think I should be with a woman. Lately, I'm starting to believe them, but that's another story.)

I came out to my parents just a year later. My father was rather accepting. He just wanted me to be happy. My mother threw a fit. I'm the eldest daughter, and she's one of those mothers that would love to have grandchildren above all else. She's very close-minded, and figures that without a man you can't do that. She also thinks that I look too much like a girl to be attracted to other women. She and I were in a bitter battle about it all as I went through high school. She has been nothing but happy since I started dating my boyfriend, and that makes me feel all the more bitter. Just because I'm currently dating the opposite sex doesn't mean that I'm not bisexual. She just can't accept me for who I am, and I still feel quite upset about it.

I have a feeling that if I were to break up with my boyfriend and start dating another woman, I would have to come out to everyone all over again. It would be a real shock to both of my parents yet again. I know I would go about breaking the news differently this time. I would be calm, and firm. This is who I am, and I won't back down.

[Janeway]

I never really had a chance to come out. Everyone pretty much outted me at a time when I had no clue about sexuality. It was a really rough time for me. Whenever I form a relationship with someone, I never really need to tell them that I'm not stright because they already know. I do get a lot of questions like what are you? I just simply tell them I don't know. But since I'm really attracted to guys they just classifiy me as gay.

I think the worst part about this is having just about everyone I come in contact with or know personally just assume I'm gay without really asking me. Like my mom or just a few people I know really well. But I know if I got the chance to talk to them, they wouldn't understand. All they know is gay.

[chikasa]

i came home crying about a girl (and i am a girl) once, and told my parents everything. They reacted VERY badly and told me i am abnormal, and they wished i was never born. I fought at them for a while, but now i just pretend i'm "back to normal" in order to sneak out and see my girlfriend of one and a half years. My parents and i NEVER talk about it, and they ignore that i ever had a "lapse" in normality. I'm forced to hide myself and live a lie to my own family because i know they won't love me if they know what's really happening.

[acerayl]

I knew early that I was gay, around 5th grade is when it was apparent to me. It was not until I was 21 when I was working at Disney that I saw that there were openly gay employees around me. That helped me take the first step in coming out. It was with them at first. It was not until I was 25 and about to leave out of state to go to school that I came out to my mom and brother. They were very accepting about it. It may be a while before I come out to my dad, who will be the last person I come out to. I am open here at school, I started and am running the GSA club here. Its nice to finally be somewhere where I can be open and discover who I am. Living a "Lie" for so long gets to you. I saw help recently, and she game me the situation in a way that seems to make sense and help. She said it like going through puberty again, you re-discover who you are when you open up. I have found that most take months, if not years to come out. I am on my forth year now being open enough to go beyond the group who knew I was gay.